could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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