Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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