I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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