so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
