Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
