Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
