My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
