I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
