I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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