This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
