i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
