Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
