In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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