guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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