wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
