How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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