if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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