Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
