Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
