Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Randomize
