please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
