your parents love me but you hate me
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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