Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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