Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
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