Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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