If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
