im six kinds of drunk right now
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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