i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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