dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
