Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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