Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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