He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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