i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
