My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
