The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
