You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
