True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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