i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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