I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
