Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
