U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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