I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
