the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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