Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
