i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
