The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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