SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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