How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
