I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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