took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
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We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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