guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
