i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
