And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
