He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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