The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
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