Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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