Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
3 2 1 whiskey
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
