I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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