I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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