My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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