my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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