Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
