Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You're like the curious george of whores
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
